the unknown

(If you are seeking a sign to book that plane ticket, or make that risky decision, this my friend is it)

I believe we all desire newness, a taste of the unknown. That takes shape differently for everyone, but the principle remains the same; the allure of difference and a diversion from repetition keeps us feeling alive.

The entrapment of regime and the banal dulls the lustre of desire. Our wildness is trimmed and tamed, coerced into the confines of societal moulds. It is easier to submit than resist. But the fullness and exuberance of our lives is the expense we pay at the behest of regret.

So how do we dive into the unknown? How do we continue to strive and seek it despite the alluring and comfortably worn dip in our lounge that hugs our body as we curl up in the same spot, day in, day out? We must pry ourselves from this position, unstick our atrophied limbs and hurl ourselves outward. Out to the periphery of our experience. Caress the familiar texture of those walls, with all their thinly veiled safety and protection, and then choose. Choose to trust ourselves enough to dip our arms in.

What’s the worst that could happen?

Well, there is an element of risk in everything we do. We live with differing levels of accepted risk at all times. Is the risk worth the reward? We calculate most of these equations instantaneously. The risk of spending $5 on a morning coffee effecting my savings is oft overcome by my cravings, or want to take in a quiet moment of pleasure. A moment of pleasure might mean a step toward stress, sickness, or a divergence from what we truly want in our future (like a healthy bank account), so our future selves are deemed a worthy sacrifice. How many times do you regret the decisions you make? Can you ever avoid that? But, you know what you want – don’t you? So if you’re bound to regret some decisions, and you cannot avoid making them in the first place – why not take the risk? You’re bound to fuck up and some point anyway. May as well make it one wild adventure in the meantime.

I beg you then: DELVE INTO THE ABYSS!

…Witness that veil evaporate. Let fear shroud your vision not – the end of those walls signify the beginning. The immaculate conception of warped dreamscapes and surrealist splendour. Here is the birthplace where those seemingly ornate, elaborate, childish and unfeasible dreams of your life take tangible form. Seize your reality with zestful lust for life and curate the most ridiculous life you can concoct into reality. Get fucking weird. Breathe it all down deep into your lungs, let it fill you with life.

~ Welcome to the unknown ~

Here, the mirage of your limited experiences and the ruse of apparent contentedness dissipates. The only person to guide you is yourself. But this exploration never really ends. Possibilities of life tower and morph in unending revelry. Concepts fade in and out. Renewal is the only constant.

In this playground of imagination, we discover ourselves and our ability to flex and expand into a new self. One that seizes the cup of the unknown and drinks it willingly, trusted to harness whatever capacity is needed as a result.

I don’t believe your exploratory self ever dies. Although, maybe it becomes quietened by years of wilful ignorance. So it seems you have two choices; to strangle that voice until it recedes into fear based quiet, or to amplify it so that it proudly resounds through all the choices you consciously make.

little one

This life is so beautiful you know. But your love for it, and the people in it, come at a high price.

Your heart really is something else, little one. Your capacity for love seems to know no bounds. But oh – the violent pangs of abandon that will soon reverberate through you. They threaten to haul your beating heart out of your chest and leave it writhing in anguish, beached and beckoning for water.

If only you knew how much you’d hurt. I’m glad so you don’t. You still have fairytales in your eyes, fairies sitting on your shoulders. You see magic in flowers and gods in the trees. Peacocks and butterflies surround you. Let them be, and stay in innocent awe as long as you can, sweet girl!

You must build repose; this world will challenge every atom in your body. You will feel such deep incongruence between what you experience and who you are, that your soul will tremble in doubt. She will quake with fear and cry tears that seem to sprout from an infinite well. She will wish to flee.

Steady.

Your capacity for fiery, tenacious love is just as much your greatest strength as it is your most vulnerable weakness.

You will pour yourself forth into others, as if it was all you were ever destined to do. And some will drink of your tears, and bathe in the radiance of your love – with no intention of ever replenishing you. You will look down and see in your tiny hands a cup that has gone dry. You will feel unloved, no doubt.

You will be lied to, sidelined, held at arms length, misunderstood and unappreciated. And no, you won’t understand why. You don’t get to know. It just is this way, and you must find a way to accept it or it will sap the life out of you and drain your world to monochrome.

Consciously choose to humble yourself daily! Remember your humanity, your own faults and imperfections. You too will utter words you don’t mean (no matter how hard you champion honesty), you will hurt others (no matter your capacity for empathy), and you will act in ways that you never intended (no matter your consistent character). You, and everyone else, are learning. Give yourself and others the patience and grace you both deserve. You will learn so much through others. Strive to do your best, and you will be content.

But I know you, little love – I know you do not love in halves, nor quarters. You love with galactic force of the entire universe behind you, your body a vessel for its expression.

I know it doesn’t feel like it at times, but you will remember how to adorn light to every path you wander. Your eyes will shift their focus, and will again instil gentle hues of life into everything around you.

Steady.

You must call to arms every ounce of resolve within your being to fight withdrawal. There will be days, weeks, months and maybe even years where you will feel the need to mourn and isolate yourself. You will mourn lost love, love that you never received, and parts of yourself that you lose along the way. Oh little one, you will mourn your deep heart over and over.

What a cruel endowment.

Your tongue will grow clever, and at times your words may seem harsh. Ensure that your words are always spoken with love and the reverence for truth. You think and speak your reality into action. You will carve your boundaries clearly, and unapologetically. There is no one else to do this for you but yourself. So take good care of yourself. You are in no place to care for others unless you first nurture yourself.

Above all, you must honour yourself. Foster the divine and infinite love within you. Do not feign opportunity, it doesn’t look good on you. But choose wisely; there are lips that will spin you dreams of your fantasies. Eyes you will swoon and daydream over. Bodies that will shroud your judgement in lust filled haze. But the indifference of others will slam you so hard into yourself that you will find it impossible to ignore. Sirens will shriek in your ears and rattle your brain until you listen.

Take heed of your intuition and doubt yourself less. Spend time in quiet contemplation and oh little one, enjoy your solitude! So soon you will be seen. Gentle hands will hold yours, and your cup will overflow.

Still – go gently, find steadiness.

That love that you so willingly give to others is seeking you.

Let yourself be.

Surrender. Release. Follow the butterflies and the peacocks. Tend to your magical garden. Your colours are going to be so vividly reflected.

You deserve no less!

bittersweet

I’ve never felt the gravity of that emotion until now. The sweet, promising, hopeful and abundant – as quickly as it lifts – it plummets into loss, grief, loneliness and uncertainty.

Today I leave Australia indefinitely. It has been a trip 3 years in the making. All my belongings fit on my back and it’s as liberating as I hoped it would feel. Tears of joy and sadness mingle in my eyes and fall onto my shirt.

My plans are fluid and my heart is determined to remain open. Open to all the experiences, people and opportunities that avail themselves to me.

Finally! It is time to be immersed, so into the unknown I go.

Becoming

 
I am becoming 
Never here
Nor there
It feels like something 
But it never arrives 
And truly, 
I never depart 
I just am 

But what?
A surmounting of memories
Convoluted
A magnificent convergence
A kaleidoscopic collision 
The white light 
In an explosion of possibilities
That surmount 
To me
So I appear
My presence so brief
A irrelevant pinprick 
Causal no doubt 
(But causal in that nothing truly surmounts to anything at all) 

I simply function as evidence 
The product of collective histories
I exist in a constant evolution
But ah - 
Words fail me
Their definitions cannot elucidate 
True essence
Only artificial flavours 
The crux remains untapped
An illusory truth
Is there true essence of anything at all?
How do we ever claim to 'know'?
This subjective divide
Cannot be bridged
Be it science or philosophy 
We are warped by sensation
We do not know reality
Nor will we ever

Reality
So fluid a concept
This is all 
All nothing but your perception
Merely reflection
Stuffed and crammed into language 
That simply cannot bear the weight
Of this expansive experience 
Of life 

Against my eyes
Every moment laps
Absorbed; in an unavoidable distortion
What truth remains?
I know nothing of the world
Only myself 
But who am I?
But just because I think,
Does that mean that I am? 
That you are?
This could all be a mirage 
No more
If you told me I wasn't;
I'd believe you. 

So sit with me awhile
And see 
I wish you could see what I see 
That I could delve into that mind
Peer out from your eyes 
The view is beautiful, no doubt
Maybe your orange is my blue 
And you see a citrus sky
No matter - 
This life is surely what you make it to be
From here to there
We are all
Forever becoming