POV: knee deep in the shit storm of self-exploration (and why you should pursue it)

It’s not really a shit storm. But there is resistance to be found, that much is true! And some uncomfortable feelings and realizations.

I’m a firm believer that we should lean into our uncomfortabilities, and force ourselves headfirst into our fears. This is where growth takes place. The more we try to divulge our true selves, the further we plunge into the abyss of our seemingly infinite being. So here we are, twirling bodies swimming in an ocean of curiosity. And oh, curiosity is key! Do we accept our beliefs without discernment? Shy away from deeper reflection on our behaviour, and introspection for the human that we hope to become? Sure, we never truly arrive at that person. But is this reason not to begin?

We must feel where hesitation snags our shirt, and listen to it.

How do you begin this journey?

Self-exploration can be done in tiny morsels of time. It could be in the quietness before falling asleep or the lull while waiting in line. Or, it could be in longer swathes of time that you’ve dedicated to the task. Maybe a whole day of meditation or self-care. A month at a retreat, hiking or after a period of grief. Time spent chipping away at your mould over an entire lifetime.

Simply, it is awareness of self.

ALL of these moments matter. All the notes you keep in your phone, the scribbles in a journal or simple recollections of realizations you’ve had in conscious clarity. All the pauses before you react to some external vexation, every recalibration that helps to realign you with the truest, less egocentric version of you. They compound, and over time you will be able to look back and reflect on these moments, how they shaped you and surmounted to where you are now.

But, why?

The white noise of your thoughts begins to dissipate. The more you focus and hone in on where your mind and body are, the less you let the chaos surrounding you penetrate inward. There is chaos within, but also s p a c e, stillness, peace. A new facet of your being laying dormant, discovered only by your willingness. Your connections will reflect your inner state, as no doubt they already do – but soon you’ll become much more discerning. Your boundaries will be clarified again, and again. Your sense of self will crystallize and your ability to withstand the trauma, anger and confusion in others will extend further than you ever thought it could. It’s almost as if you’ve stepped back to allow space between where the world enters your eyes, and you give yourself the time to process and respond to it.

The more we think we know ourselves, really the more we have yet to discover. So tickle, scratch, claw and move earth to get down beneath the surface. There is so much yet to learn, HOW BEAUTIFUL! ✨️

Dinner & accommodation in Mallorca for 6 euro

After spending the night curled up in the backseat of the car because it was too dark when I arrived to find somewhere to put up my tent, I woke with the sun and found a tranquil place for a nudie dip. Then I drove to the next town and walked along the coastline to find somewhere to free camp. I ended up here with rock cover from the wind and the most ideal flat sand spot amongst the rocks that fit my tent perfectly. I heard voices and as I climbed down the rocks to go for a swim I met Jane and Steve, a couple in their 60s, who lived in a tent nestled between the rocks. They left their life in England and have been there for 5 years. It’s weird to call them homeless, because to me they seem quite at home – but I guess that’s what they are. They had a 4 man tent with a blow up double bed mattress, a gas cooker, two chairs and an umbrella. While it was not much in our first world sense of the term, it truly was in one of the most beautiful spots I’ve ever visited. They had all they need. We chatted, and they offered me one of their mozzie coils for the evening, and told me I could leave my belongings with them in case I went anywhere. It always astounds me how the people with the least offer the most.

The water here clarity is azure crystalline, making for some incredible snorkeling and diving. Sunset hues draped warmly across the mountains in the distance. Hedges of blooming white flowers lined the cliffside, and then I was back on a bike and running track. All it takes is a little bit of curiosity to find these incredible spots that are just out of eyeshot.

I went to the grocery store and bought some yoghurt, berries, guacamole and chips. I sat on the rocks and took this photo. Waterfront dining and accommodation for a steep 6 euro. Dinner is served.

Tenerife Horse Rescue (Animal Rescue & sustainable eco-community)

My life lately has consisted of a complete change in perspective (exactly what I was after).

Off-grid, eco-conscious, empathy centred and lovingly created and protected LIFE! Hundreds of animals have found refuge here. Humans too I think. Here we eat colourful, healthy food that would’ve otherwise been thrown out (literally, we can feed 50 people a day with FREE food). Whatever we don’t need goes to families that might eat the food themselves or use it to feed their animals. This is not to mention the hundreds of animals that eat the rest of the fruit and veg, or our compost en masse and then gets redistributed amongst our little plant babies. I’m slowly understanding how to save and recycle water in an arid, desert landscape to ensure maximum usage. How to grow plants in a place that seems desolate and unforgiving. I appreciate the simple pleasures, and realise how much I take them all for granted while swept away in ‘the outside world’. I’ve learned that horses poo way more than you think they do, and that you can actually use it to create hot water. I’m also adjusting to life as a member of a true collective. A community of like-minded, albeit vastly(!) different, humans of all ages and backgrounds. Those who do not belong take their leave, and the social entity rekindles itself as each new member settles into their space, the unified unfolding an extension. To be able to sit and witness this somewhat bizarre and constantly shifting, but most natural state of being amongst humans is truly beautiful.

Many hands really do make for light work, and without everyone doing their specific roles, this place simply couldn’t run as it does. I’m growing fonder of the human spirit, and being able to witness tangible, real-life human capacity for love, compassion and empathy – for animals, the earth and each other, is exactly what all of us need in our lives. It’s what the world needs.

And here is just one little corner of the world, showing you that it’s possible.

finca

I sit on a long table in a communal kitchen with a dirt floor. Underneath the table are two dogs asleep on dusty old lounge pillows. At the end is a cat with piercing, cross-eyed azure blue eyes with a creamy beige and brown coat asleep in a fruit box with tomatoes. Two Slovakians revel in their mother tongue, laughing behind me in fast-paced conversation. The teraformer (gardener really doesn’t do him justice) of the Finca chats to a younger guy in German. He is a biologist come desert-planting genius. A jolly Scottish woman is cooking beside me with a spread full of coloured vegetables. These are all vegetables that would’ve been thrown away, but are donated by a local supermarket for us to re-purpose. There are giant cinnamon sticks bubbling away in rice, and the spices from big pots of curry are swept up into my nostrils and out the open air kitchen, away with the Saharan winds.

I slice and hand juice a tray of oranges. My hands and the table are covered in pulp, with punchy zest spurting out from the orange rinds as I twist them back and forth. I pour a generous serving into a beer mug and take a seat on the hill overlooking the horses, and the ocean. I take a moment to sober, and breathe it all in. I bought a one way ticket to an animal sanctuary on Tenerife, where the community is eclectic, but united in kindness.

My new home is an old and immobile van that somehow withstands the gusty winds, and is occasionally also home to a cat that somehow always finds a way in. My small porch is made of pallets and I overlook the ocean, a wind-farm and the mountains. The days are sun-drenched and top 26 pleasant degrees, with the nights dropping to a comfy 19. The sky is generously sprinkled with stars. I sleep deeply, despite the flies, the cat, the shaking in the wind and the competing roosters in the morning.s

There are 45 loving volunteers here living in vans, caves, caravans or other shacks amongst the hills. Horses, goats, sheep, pigs, guinea pigs, birds, rabbits, dogs, cats, chickens, ducks, donkeys, tortoises and lizards make up the other 200 or so occupants. They are all rescue animals.

No job, no plans, no ticket back.

I feel as if I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

the unknown

(If you are seeking a sign to book that plane ticket, or make that risky decision, this my friend is it)

I believe we all desire newness, a taste of the unknown. That takes shape differently for everyone, but the principle remains the same; the allure of difference and a diversion from repetition keeps us feeling alive.

The entrapment of regime and the banal dulls the lustre of desire. Our wildness is trimmed and tamed, coerced into the confines of societal moulds. It is easier to submit than resist. But the fullness and exuberance of our lives is the expense we pay at the behest of regret.

So how do we dive into the unknown? How do we continue to strive and seek it despite the alluring and comfortably worn dip in our lounge that hugs our body as we curl up in the same spot, day in, day out? We must pry ourselves from this position, unstick our atrophied limbs and hurl ourselves outward. Out to the periphery of our experience. Caress the familiar texture of those walls, with all their thinly veiled safety and protection, and then choose. Choose to trust ourselves enough to dip our arms in.

What’s the worst that could happen?

Well, there is an element of risk in everything we do. We live with differing levels of accepted risk at all times. Is the risk worth the reward? We calculate most of these equations instantaneously. The risk of spending $5 on a morning coffee effecting my savings is oft overcome by my cravings, or want to take in a quiet moment of pleasure. A moment of pleasure might mean a step toward stress, sickness, or a divergence from what we truly want in our future (like a healthy bank account), so our future selves are deemed a worthy sacrifice. How many times do you regret the decisions you make? Can you ever avoid that? But, you know what you want – don’t you? So if you’re bound to regret some decisions, and you cannot avoid making them in the first place – why not take the risk? You’re bound to fuck up and some point anyway. May as well make it one wild adventure in the meantime.

I beg you then: DELVE INTO THE ABYSS!

…Witness that veil evaporate. Let fear shroud your vision not – the end of those walls signify the beginning. The immaculate conception of warped dreamscapes and surrealist splendour. Here is the birthplace where those seemingly ornate, elaborate, childish and unfeasible dreams of your life take tangible form. Seize your reality with zestful lust for life and curate the most ridiculous life you can concoct into reality. Get fucking weird. Breathe it all down deep into your lungs, let it fill you with life.

~ Welcome to the unknown ~

Here, the mirage of your limited experiences and the ruse of apparent contentedness dissipates. The only person to guide you is yourself. But this exploration never really ends. Possibilities of life tower and morph in unending revelry. Concepts fade in and out. Renewal is the only constant.

In this playground of imagination, we discover ourselves and our ability to flex and expand into a new self. One that seizes the cup of the unknown and drinks it willingly, trusted to harness whatever capacity is needed as a result.

I don’t believe your exploratory self ever dies. Although, maybe it becomes quietened by years of wilful ignorance. So it seems you have two choices; to strangle that voice until it recedes into fear based quiet, or to amplify it so that it proudly resounds through all the choices you consciously make.

little one

This life is so beautiful you know. But your love for it, and the people in it, come at a high price.

Your heart really is something else, little one. Your capacity for love seems to know no bounds. But oh – the violent pangs of abandon that will soon reverberate through you. They threaten to haul your beating heart out of your chest and leave it writhing in anguish, beached and beckoning for water.

If only you knew how much you’d hurt. I’m glad so you don’t. You still have fairytales in your eyes, fairies sitting on your shoulders. You see magic in flowers and gods in the trees. Peacocks and butterflies surround you. Let them be, and stay in innocent awe as long as you can, sweet girl!

You must build repose; this world will challenge every atom in your body. You will feel such deep incongruence between what you experience and who you are, that your soul will tremble in doubt. She will quake with fear and cry tears that seem to sprout from an infinite well. She will wish to flee.

Steady.

Your capacity for fiery, tenacious love is just as much your greatest strength as it is your most vulnerable weakness.

You will pour yourself forth into others, as if it was all you were ever destined to do. And some will drink of your tears, and bathe in the radiance of your love – with no intention of ever replenishing you. You will look down and see in your tiny hands a cup that has gone dry. You will feel unloved, no doubt.

You will be lied to, sidelined, held at arms length, misunderstood and unappreciated. And no, you won’t understand why. You don’t get to know. It just is this way, and you must find a way to accept it or it will sap the life out of you and drain your world to monochrome.

Consciously choose to humble yourself daily! Remember your humanity, your own faults and imperfections. You too will utter words you don’t mean (no matter how hard you champion honesty), you will hurt others (no matter your capacity for empathy), and you will act in ways that you never intended (no matter your consistent character). You, and everyone else, are learning. Give yourself and others the patience and grace you both deserve. You will learn so much through others. Strive to do your best, and you will be content.

But I know you, little love – I know you do not love in halves, nor quarters. You love with galactic force of the entire universe behind you, your body a vessel for its expression.

I know it doesn’t feel like it at times, but you will remember how to adorn light to every path you wander. Your eyes will shift their focus, and will again instil gentle hues of life into everything around you.

Steady.

You must call to arms every ounce of resolve within your being to fight withdrawal. There will be days, weeks, months and maybe even years where you will feel the need to mourn and isolate yourself. You will mourn lost love, love that you never received, and parts of yourself that you lose along the way. Oh little one, you will mourn your deep heart over and over.

What a cruel endowment.

Your tongue will grow clever, and at times your words may seem harsh. Ensure that your words are always spoken with love and the reverence for truth. You think and speak your reality into action. You will carve your boundaries clearly, and unapologetically. There is no one else to do this for you but yourself. So take good care of yourself. You are in no place to care for others unless you first nurture yourself.

Above all, you must honour yourself. Foster the divine and infinite love within you. Do not feign opportunity, it doesn’t look good on you. But choose wisely; there are lips that will spin you dreams of your fantasies. Eyes you will swoon and daydream over. Bodies that will shroud your judgement in lust filled haze. But the indifference of others will slam you so hard into yourself that you will find it impossible to ignore. Sirens will shriek in your ears and rattle your brain until you listen.

Take heed of your intuition and doubt yourself less. Spend time in quiet contemplation and oh little one, enjoy your solitude! So soon you will be seen. Gentle hands will hold yours, and your cup will overflow.

Still – go gently, find steadiness.

That love that you so willingly give to others is seeking you.

Let yourself be.

Surrender. Release. Follow the butterflies and the peacocks. Tend to your magical garden. Your colours are going to be so vividly reflected.

You deserve no less!

bittersweet

I’ve never felt the gravity of that emotion until now. The sweet, promising, hopeful and abundant – as quickly as it lifts – it plummets into loss, grief, loneliness and uncertainty.

Today I leave Australia indefinitely. It has been a trip 3 years in the making. All my belongings fit on my back and it’s as liberating as I hoped it would feel. Tears of joy and sadness mingle in my eyes and fall onto my shirt.

My plans are fluid and my heart is determined to remain open. Open to all the experiences, people and opportunities that avail themselves to me.

Finally! It is time to be immersed, so into the unknown I go.

Becoming

 
I am becoming 
Never here
Nor there
It feels like something 
But it never arrives 
And truly, 
I never depart 
I just am 

But what?
A surmounting of memories
Convoluted
A magnificent convergence
A kaleidoscopic collision 
The white light 
In an explosion of possibilities
That surmount 
To me
So I appear
My presence so brief
A irrelevant pinprick 
Causal no doubt 
(But causal in that nothing truly surmounts to anything at all) 

I simply function as evidence 
The product of collective histories
I exist in a constant evolution
But ah - 
Words fail me
Their definitions cannot elucidate 
True essence
Only artificial flavours 
The crux remains untapped
An illusory truth
Is there true essence of anything at all?
How do we ever claim to 'know'?
This subjective divide
Cannot be bridged
Be it science or philosophy 
We are warped by sensation
We do not know reality
Nor will we ever

Reality
So fluid a concept
This is all 
All nothing but your perception
Merely reflection
Stuffed and crammed into language 
That simply cannot bear the weight
Of this expansive experience 
Of life 

Against my eyes
Every moment laps
Absorbed; in an unavoidable distortion
What truth remains?
I know nothing of the world
Only myself 
But who am I?
But just because I think,
Does that mean that I am? 
That you are?
This could all be a mirage 
No more
If you told me I wasn't;
I'd believe you. 

So sit with me awhile
And see 
I wish you could see what I see 
That I could delve into that mind
Peer out from your eyes 
The view is beautiful, no doubt
Maybe your orange is my blue 
And you see a citrus sky
No matter - 
This life is surely what you make it to be
From here to there
We are all
Forever becoming

Catapult me into the wind

Catapult me into the wind
And let me tumble through life 
With blissful freedom 
To a destination unknown. 
Onwards - 
Delve into the abyss of existence
Its necessary uncomfortability.
Oh
I FEEL it.
There is e v e r y t h i n g to be discovered
Soothe my restless soul with experiences
Nourish my wandering heart with kind-eyed strangers
A long haul flight
To anywhere
Let me dive through iridescent tropical waters
Tire my eyes searching for stories in the streets passing by
Speeding taxi rides through bustling Asian streets
Neon lights and smoking woks
Natures revival of moss covered temples
Witnessing the remnants of antiquity
Ancient Greek mosaics in tavernas
Where bubbling clay pots would waft 
Down tight and bustling streets
A seat
Where lovers once met
I linger in their embrace
My heart 
How deeply she aches
But I remain
Open
I feel love everywhere
Let me run my hands 
Across colonnades of architectural prowess
I imagine the sages
Mourn philosophies and conversations lost to time
I am enamoured with humanity
So I go -
I want to climb mountains
Breathe in the air of the Himalayas
Intoxicate myself in newness
Lose myself in a new city
Be whisked in drunken revelry
To places where the lights shine differently
Where my body can move 
Freely
My body
A vessel for passion
For love
I vibrate curiosity
I release my inner child
To play
To see
To feel
Discover 
(me)

Introspectiva

However you come
Strip yourself bare
Let me see you
No -
Through 
Beyond you
That unseen place
It feels just like me
I can't lead you
I'm still trying to make sense of mine 
But see here
Space for your chaos
In this darkness I dance
There is no sense to be made
Twisted life
Here
Here I have nothing to hide
No longer do I pry from this cage to be seen
I just AM
So
Boil my body
And strip the flesh from my bones
Tender
I felt this coming
Words I wrote long ago
A familiar feeling 
"A slippery slope"
So I release
Abandon
Call me reckless
But oh you misunderstand me
Who's me? 
I am FREE
Turn myself inside out
I make you uncomfortable 
I know
Your soul squirms beneath you
It murmurs
But you stifle it
Down
But soon you'll see
See me
I am just
Like 
You